Parenting is full of challenges. One day can be utter joy, the next just a practice in survival. For that matter, one hour can be bliss, while the next is full of chaos. It changes so rapidly. It is painful at times, but I would never give it up. My children are everything.
Finding a balance between giving them what they want and restraining them enough to guide them in a good and healthy direction for life seems to require a good balance and understanding of natural laws and consequences. This story from Elder Callister this last conference was very powerful for me:
"Ben Carson said of himself, “I was the worst student in my whole fifth-grade class.” One day Ben took a math test with 30 problems. The student behind him corrected it and handed it back. The teacher, Mrs. Williamson, started calling each student’s name for the score. Finally, she got to Ben. Out of embarrassment, he mumbled the answer. Mrs. Williamson, thinking he had said “9,” replied that for Ben to score 9 out of 30 was a wonderful improvement. The student behind Ben then yelled out, “Not nine! … He got none … right.” Ben said he wanted to drop through the floor."
"At the same time, Ben’s mother, Sonya, faced obstacles of her own. She was one of 24 children, had only a third-grade education, and could not read. She was married at age 13, was divorced, had two sons, and was raising them in the ghettos of Detroit. Nonetheless, she was fiercely self-reliant and had a firm belief that God would help her and her sons if they did their part."
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| Ben Carson |
"One day a turning point came in her life and that of her sons. It dawned on her that successful people for whom she cleaned homes had libraries—they read. After work she went home and turned off the television that Ben and his brother were watching. She said in essence: You boys are watching too much television. From now on you can watch three programs a week. In your free time you will go to the library—read two books a week and give me a report."
"The boys were shocked. Ben said he had never read a book in his entire life except when required to do so at school. They protested, they complained, they argued, but it was to no avail. Then Ben reflected, “She laid down the law. I didn’t like the rule, but her determination to see us improve changed the course of my life.”"
"And what a change it made. By the seventh grade he was at the top of his class. He went on to attend Yale University on a scholarship, then Johns Hopkins medical school, where at age 33 he became its chief of pediatric neurosurgery and a world-renowned surgeon. How was that possible? Largely because of a mother who, without many of the advantages of life, magnified her calling as a parent."
"The scriptures speak of the role of parents—that it is their duty to teach their children “the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost” (D&C 68:25)."
"As parents, we are to be the prime gospel teachers and examples for our children—not the bishop, the Sunday School, the Young Women or Young Men, but the parents. As their prime gospel teachers, we can teach them the power and reality of the Atonement—of their identity and divine destiny—and in so doing give them a rock foundation upon which to build. When all is said and done, the home is the ideal forum for teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ."
This responsibility to teach children positively, and to restrain them when needed, reminds me of horses and their training. Now, I am the farthest thing from a horse expert there is, but I do know about the bridle. I also know that the bridle can give a horse and its rider direction. By giving the rider that little bit of control, a horse can take, that be of service, and be a blessing to a rider.
In a way, this same principle applies to parenting (and teaching!). We all have a vision of where we want our children to end up. We realize that we want our children to have the power to make good choices for themselves. Choices that will lead to a productive and fulfilling life. But we don't want to take their agency away. There is a balance that needs to be found.
If we give them unbridled freedom to live and decide for themselves, they will be about as useful as a horse that has never been broken and trained. In other words, they will be really good at eating our food and taking care of their own needs.
If we, through foresight and vision, give them restraints, training, and a vision of their limitless potential then they will have an idea of how to moderate the balance between wants and the things necessary for character driven growth.
Many of us parents are pretty good at disciplining our children. But the question we need to ask ourselves is: Why are we disciplining them?
If the reason is not well thought out and explained to children, then they will doubt that we have their best interests at heart. We could be perceived as bullies or be labeled as adults who are "clueless" about life.
However, I have found at home, and at school, that if I discipline with love, and an explanation of the "WHY" my children, and my students seem to take the correction more positively.
Is it always a great experience? Of course not! Sometimes we feel guilty. Sometimes we mess up our discipline strategies. I have found myself apologizing to my children and my students when I have disciplined too harshly, or I was wrong in my assessment of the situation, however, I would rather err on the side of reminding students and children of their accountability to be great and good people, than to let them believe that their actions do not effect those around them.
The problem I face at times is the question of "why do I think I know it all and am qualified to direct all these children?"
As far as I can tell, I am not qualified, BUT I believe it is worse to say nothing when we see behavior or habits that will derail a future. I will risk being a hypocrite to try and give positive counsel to a child or student whom I am concerned over.
If more of us would do this, with a genuine love and concern for the kids around this, perhaps they would develop the vision that we have of them for themselves.
Ironically, a little vision and appropriate discipline to direct children in the right way gives them the confidence and ability to see themselves at maximum potential. I have seen for the last 10 (almost) years of teaching this principle replay over and over in the lives of my most successful students. Their parents have taught them how to manage themselves. They are strong in moral direction. They are strong in achieving and knowing what they want. They know, better than others, who they are and what they are capable of.
My students who haven't had the time given to them to teach restraint and instill vision and proper principles...struggle. Not just with school work, but with how they view the world and themselves. They don't know how to contribute and how to help others around them. I do what I can at school to give direction, but these things MUST happen at home.
You can learn about parents from their children. Of course each child has his or her individuality, and some that struggle come from families that are ideal if every way. But most families that "have it together" or at least are really trying, have children coming into schools that are prepared to learn and understand the value of their school experience.
So. Where are my children? I hope they are going to be okay. I write out all these things and look others, but believe me when I say, I am looking at myself and my family. Thankfully I have a wonderful partner and wife to help me raise my children. Jenna knows a lot about how to help our children and her dance students see success and value their lives. I am happy for that. She was taught extremely well by her mother and the many other caring adults in her life. I also had countless examples of positive adulthood, as I was surrounded by parents, neighbors, teachers, uncles, aunts, and grandparents who took an interest in my well being. These people saw the positive and potential in me. They knew when to praise and they knew when to help me course correct. I would not be where I am without them. I hope they claim me!
To finish up, a scripture comes to mind from D&C 121:41-44:
"41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; (NOT PRETEND!)
42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile--
43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards and increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.
44 That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death."
May the children and other loved ones in our lives, whom we do have to reprove at times, know that our faithfulness and love for them is "stronger than the cords of death". May we direct them in good and uplifting paths that will empower them to a noble and bright future in difficult and confusing world. Line upon line and precept upon precept (2 Nephi 28:30) we can and must make a difference in those around us. Their future depends on us.
Elder Callister's talk can be found at this link: (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/parents-the-prime-gospel-teachers-of-their-children?lang=eng)
The picture of Ben Carson came from this website (I do not own it!): http://www.wnd.com/2014/11/1393785/
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