The Joy of People!

There are a lot of random events talked about in this post, just be warned. I could have left some of it out, but a theme started to surface as I kept typing, and that was how many amazing people I have the opportunity to interact with in my life. I am sure I didn't catch everyone I have had great experiences with, but if I have interacted with you in some way, then my life is probably better for it! Just be warned...there is no order here, just my thoughts at way too early in the morning.
Life is crazy! I haven't posted for such a long time. March, I guess. We've had a cute little baby boy born since then. Easton Gray Corry. He's a keeper!

Baby E!

Easton was born June 3, 2017. Perfect. I believe in every way.
Just before he was born Jenna and I ended our school year out. Her dance studio, Red Rock, had some great performances and competitions. Jenna puts in so much work into that studio. Easton was along for the ride for all of it (inside of course!)! He even made it to Vienna in February with Jenna. I stayed home and watched the kids. I wasn't mentally ready for that journey, but Jenna and my sister Laura had a wonderful time. I am glad she was able to go.

Goodbye Students!

The end of my school year was pretty great for the most part. I really loved the kids I taught, even if they were pretty challenging at the end of the year. Good kids, I just wish that 11 and 12 year old children could catch the vision for their lives. Things are very much here and now at that point in life. I know I expect a lot, especially if I think about how I was at that age: Not mature. Life was all about my friends and my Game Boy. Ha. Kind of embarrassing, but mostly funny. Honestly, if I compare myself to these kids, they may be doing much better than I was! ANYWAY. The year ended pretty well, and as usual, I missed my students, though I was seriously ready for a break after all the end of year testing and activities.

Wes and Kellie's vows were awesome!

Back to Easton and our summer (sorry this post is going to be very...rambly...? That's not a word...but you get the idea.). Having a new baby definitely made the summer much more interesting to say the least. We went up to Stadium of Fire less than a month after he was born. Jenna had him in the mornings, but he was with me a lot of the day. Thankfully Ann Hepworth came up with Brynn to help out. It was a huge help to have her there. It all ended up quite pleasant and nice. Easton definitely had some rough times, but overall he was a champ. Especially for putting up with his dad. Another great thing about the Stadium of Fire trip is that we were just up the road from my brother Dan and his wife Brittney. Dan is currently attending PA school and it was awesome to spend a little time with their family!
Kellie and Wes were married the same weekend as Stadium of Fire. It was a very nice ceremony with family at Wes's parents house. We are really happy that Kellie has been able to find Wes. He treats her right, he has a great energy and is a great guy. He also brought two really neat children with him into all our lives.

Cousin time on the way to Cascade Falls

After that we had our Corry Family Reunion. I took the kids up Wednesday evening. While setting up my tent, we experienced a cloudburst...so we all slept in Dad's tent that night with the Robinson kids. Dad slept outside. Nate and Monica were there also and we did some dutch oven potatoes and chicken. It was pretty great (of course my panic attacks were full-throttle that evening...but you know. That's life for me some times!). Jenna of course stayed home, but she did come up the next evening for dinner with the family. After that night, Jenna and I slept in Orderville and came up in the mornings. The tent did dry out after a couple of days at least...
Other things that happened? I had some trainings/PLC planning meetings in June and July as well teaching summer school at the Elementary. During summer school I worked with Linsey Glover, Sharon Glazier, and Kim Swapp - as well as the super cute kids who came. They were all recently out of kindergarten or 1st grade. It was really fun to work with students who were much younger than what I usually get to work with. It was a good reminder of how much work our lower grade teachers put in to each student. By the time they get up to me they are doing pretty well.

Just an hour or so before my car exploded on our 50 miler reunion hike!
Dallin Corry, Bryan Kimball, David Crowther, Bryan's son, Brent Blodgett,
Brielle Blodgett, and Sam Barker. 

What else? The green car exploded. Literally. It had already hit a road sign and been flooded by water, so naturally exploding was next on its list of things to do. I had taken it to a 50 miler reunion (where we hiked maybe 5 miles instead of 50...) down on Webster's Flat. I went to cook some dutch oven for the guys and while parking went over a rock that I didn't see. I had moved the big one...but missed two smaller ones. There was some scraping, but nothing too alarming. I drove the car the next day to the hike spot, hiked just fine with Dallin, got in the car to go home, made it to Highway 14 off of Webster's and...it exploded. It was quite surprising, but we pulled over and were rescued almost instantly by Johnny Roundy and his family.
One thing I would like to point out about this whole thing is that I had asked Dallin to say a prayer just before we left after finishing the hike. I believe he prayed that we would get home safe. Yes, it was a bummer that the car exploded, but I can't help but think of how miraculous is was that literally seconds after I had pulled the car to the side of the road, Johnny Roundy and another man were walking towards me. Johnny loaded Dallin and I and our stuff up, got us in the car, and got us home. I was able to get everything worked out after that. Even insurance has stepped up and helped us out since then. So. As frustrating as it is to see a great car hit the end of its service (two days after paying it off no less!), I am so grateful that forces were at work to help us out of a tough situation. I fully believe that the hand of the Lord was in it, as well as blessings for trying to serve and paying our tithing. I know the Lord hears us, we just need to keep up open and constant communication. He can work our problems, trials, whatever out towards our good and experience.
Another positive thing was the care and attention we received from community members. Roger Goulding was so helpful in getting our car back and helping us out. He always is. He even got our Chevy Venture working well for us again, so I can drive that for a while.
What else happened? Easton was blessed. We were able to get permission to bless him at the Old Rock Church in Orderville due to family having to travel fairly far in some cases. It was really great to have them all there for it. I am appreciative to my siblings for being so supportive of each other. We spent a lot of time together in July and I am grateful for them and their examples to me.

Just outside the Payson Temple at Laura's Wedding

Speaking of siblings, my sister Laura married Rick Francis in the Payson Temple. It was beautiful and wonderful. One of the best parts of the whole things, besides Rick and Laura getting married, was being able to see all of my siblings and their spouses as well as all of my dad's siblings and their spouses gathered together in the Sealing Room. I feel extremely lucky to have been able to look around and see all of them there. The only exception, that was a bit of a bummer was that Jenna had to be out with Easton for obvious reasons. He was only a month old, and as perfect as he is...he may or may not be extremely fussy at times.
Other things? Dallin went to Cedar Mountain Science Camp again. He was able to go with Austin Little and Kaylin Haslem two of his great friends. Three gals from Kanab Elementary were also there with him: Hailey McQuivey, Emrey Kabonic, and Cora Shakespear. So they got to have a little post 5th Grade reunion of sorts. Dallin has been surrounded by great people and kids in Kanab and Valley. I feel lucky to be a parent to children who are able to grow up in Kane County. We have good people here. Very good.

Stadium of Fire! 

Allison was able to perform in the Stadium of Fire with Red Rock and had a great time hanging our with her friends in dance. She also performed well in competitions in the spring. Not only dance was big for her, she was also able to go hang out with her awesome Aunt Kellie and her daughters McKaela and Paisley for several days. We have great times with Wes and Kellie's family!
Which reminds me! In May we went to Scott's graduation! It was a pretty long drive up to Logan, and we were super tired as it hit right in the middle of the end of the school year and dance season. Scott and Stephanie put on quite a celebration for everyone and we had a wonderful time with all of Jenna's family. The ceremony was really well put together as was the luncheon Stephanie hosted beforehand. She is a class act and really knows how to keep things organized. We were extremely grateful that we had decided to make the trip.
Scott and Stephanie have since moved to Washington D.C.! Scott has started a job with Amazon as Stephanie continues to work with Malouf (a really nice bedding and sleep company). We miss having them so close, but understand that this is an amazing opportunity for Scott. Honestly, Amazon is lucky to have him. He's brilliant. Like really, really smart, especially in the world of computers.
Other things?
Well. We had a really fun birthday celebrations for my dad and Jenna's. For my dad with had a classic Corry family dinner at the old house. It may not be amazing for some people, but for me, it was perfect. I love the time we get to spend at the Corry house in Cedar. My dad is pretty awesome also. Mom always does great preparing for and getting us all together. I have two amazing parents, and I am grateful they are both doing well as they get older.
With Alan, we were able to have a really fun night out in St. George. We went to an Escape Room place with an Alice in Wonderland theme that was really fun. We also ate out and just had a great time visiting.
That same trip to St. George was doubly great due to spending time with Steve, Lindsay, and Henry and Lindsay's parents condominium. It was very nice and comfortable. It was the last time we were able to see Steve and Lindsay this summer before they headed back to Qatar. We have to take advantage of those opportunities! Wes and Kellie were also there with there family. So of course there was excitement abounding!
I also have to mention Parker! He was just with us most of the summer. He didn't get to go and do anything by himself, but he's been our constant little buddy. His favorite thing of late is Jenna's big pink workout ball. He just bounces, literally, all over the place. Of course this is also great fodder for some bedtime stories about Rocket Bouncy Balls...you'd have to be there. He did try cutting his hair yesterday if anyone is curious. I feel like it's a right of passage for a lot of kids: To cut their bangs super short at least one. He now has a very short haircut!

Fourth of July - Jenna style!

I did also want to pop in a little information on our Labor Day weekend. Jenna's Grandma "Applevalley" and Papa Bill were at there property with Bill's son, Tim, and his wife Sara (and their two cute kids). It was great also to hang out with them. We also got to spend time with Karen and Darrell (Jenna's parents for those who don't know) at Navajo Lake. It was so nice to spend that time with each of them.
There's so much more I could write about. It was an amazing summer overall. School is now back in session, and I am loving these new kids. They are really fun and they are good. I hope I can help them see how good they are. Nothing is as challenging to me as a teacher as seeing the great and good in my students and trying to help them see it. It is there in every human being. God is in us all.
Of course I want my students to succeed in Language Arts, but it is more important that while I teach them there confidence increases in themselves and who they are. Thankfully, I do not do it alone, Hollie Geiger and Tyree Thurgood are amazing team members and we work together often to make that difference!
If there is any common theme in all this rambling it would be that I am surrounded and blessed with good people. They are what life is all about. With all this fighting in the world about different ideologies and such, we tend to forget that we are individuals, and no, we're not exactly the same, but we are God's kids, and He loves each of us. If he can love each person, we can probably do the same. There is a lot to love about every person I've ever met (even if we have to work harder at it sometimes!). I'm grateful for the blessing of people. It's one of the greatest things we have.
I suppose if I looked out at all the hard things happening in the world, I could get discouraged, but I choose to see that in the midst of those hard things happening, in many cases (probably most), there are good people, doing good things, making the world a better place to be in. That's what I choose to see. I can see a hurricane (or two) and worry about the devastation, and it is devastation, but I can also see all the wonderful people being great examples and serving each other. It is sometimes when our comforts are stripped from us that our better nature takes over. We finally see what is important when we aren't blinded by our 'stuff'. Most good things in our lives center around other people.
Well. You all already know this don't you?
So do I. Perhaps I should live it better!
Until next time...

Conference in the Car

Dallin and I listen to Conferences in the car. It's really my way of getting some spiritual uplifting on the way to work. It works pretty well. I am currently listening to April 1999 and have been really impressed with some of the talks I've listened to. Not only have I been impressed, but it has been nice to discuss a little with Dallin. It's pretty relaxing and it also makes me happy to know that Dallin is soaking some of these messages in and internalizing them. He's a much better person than I was at his age.
So...what has stood out to me? There are several of the talks I wanted to share a few quotes from that were really excellent. Not just excellent, but so inspired for our times. Yes, they are almost 20 years old, but they grow almost more applicable as time marches on.
First is Elder Joel J. Christensen's talk titled "Greed, Selfishness, and Overindulgence. If anything describes our day - these words hit the 'nail on the head'. Elder Christensen states:

In our day, many children grow up with distorted values because we as parents overindulge them. Whether you are well-to-do or, like most of us, of more modest means, we as parents often attempt to provide children with almost everything they want thus taking away from them the blessing of anticipating, of longing for something they do not have. One of the most important things we can teach our children is to deny themselves. Instant gratification generally makes for weak people. How many truly great individuals do you know who never had to struggle?

Elder Maxwell has voiced this concern when he said: “A few of our wonderful youth and young adults in the Church are unstretched. They have almost a free pass. Perks are provided, including cars complete with fuel and insurance—all paid for by parents who sometimes listen in vain for a few courteous and appreciative words. What is thus taken for granted … tends to underwrite selfishness and a sense of entitlement.”5

A wise young mother said: “I choose not to give our children what I can afford to give them. I hold back for their sake.”

In the words of Fred Gosman, “Children who always get what they want will want as long as they live.” And somewhere along the line it is important for the character development of our children to learn that “the earth still revolves around the sun” and not around them. Rather, we should train our children to ask themselves the question, How is the world a better place because they are in it?

We live in a world of entertainment in full color with a lot of fast action, a world in which many children grow up thinking that if it isn’t fun, it is boring and not worthwhile. Even in family activities, we need to strike a balance between play and work. Some of my most memorable experiences while growing up centered around family activities: learning how to shingle a roof, build a fence, or working in the garden. Rather than being all work and no play, for many of our children it is almost all play and very little work.

As a consequence of overindulgence, many children leave homes ill-prepared to meet the real world. President Hinckley said: “Of course, we need to earn a living. The Lord told Adam that in the sweat of his face should he eat bread all the days of his life. It is important that we qualify ourselves to be self-reliant, particularly that every young man at the time of marriage be ready and able to assume the responsibilities of providing for his companion and for the children who may come to that home.”8

All too many enter marriage who have never learned to cook, sew, or develop other important life skills. Ignorance of these needed skills, along with the lack of understanding of the management of money, sow the seeds for many failures in our children’s marriages.

I fear that in many cases we are rearing children who are slaves to expensive fads and fashions. Remember the scripture, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”9 How do we determine where our treasure is? To do so, we need to evaluate the amount of time, money, and thought we devote to something. Might it not be well to evaluate how much focus we place on shopping and spending?
His talk can be found at this address: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/04/greed-selfishness-and-overindulgence?lang=eng

The next talk was "The Hands of the Fathers" by Jeffrey R. Holland. This wonderful talk put an emphasis on the importance of our relationship with our Heavenly Father and the relationships we fathers have with our children.

Elder Holland tenderly describes the relationship God has with his Son and how that relationship must have been strengthened by the willingness of the Son to descend below all things for our benefit. From his talk:

"Even as He moved toward the Crucifixion, He restrained His Apostles who would have intervened by saying, “The cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?”7 When that unspeakable ordeal was finished, He uttered what must have been the most peaceful and deserved words of His mortal ministry. At the end of His agony, He whispered, “It is finished: … Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.”8 Finally it was over. Finally He could go home.

I confess that I have reflected at length upon that moment and the resurrection which was shortly to follow it. I have wondered what that reunion must have been like: the Father that loved this Son so much, the Son that honored and revered His Father in every word and deed. For two who were one as these two were one, what must that embrace have been like? What must that divine companionship be yet? We can only wonder and admire. And we can, on an Easter weekend, yearn to live worthily of some portion of that relationship ourselves.

As a father, I wonder if I and all other fathers could do more to build a sweeter, stronger relationship with our sons and daughters here on earth. Dads, is it too bold to hope that our children might have some small portion of the feeling for us that the Divine Son felt for His Father? Might we earn more of that love by trying to be more of what God was to His child? In any case, we do know that a young person’s developing concept of God centers on characteristics observed in that child’s earthly parents.

For that reason and many others, I suppose no book I have read in recent months has alarmed me more than a work entitled Fatherless America. In this study the author speaks of “fatherlessness” as “the most harmful demographic trend of this generation,” the leading cause of damage to children. It is, he is convinced, the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from poverty to crime to adolescent pregnancy to child abuse to domestic violence. Among the principal social issues of our time is the flight of fathers from their children’s lives.

Of even greater concern than the physical absenteeism of some fathers is the spiritually or emotionally absent father. These are fatherly sins of omission that are probably more destructive than sins of commission. Why are we not surprised that when 2,000 children of all ages and backgrounds were asked what they appreciated most about their fathers, they answered universally, “He spends time with me”?

A young Laurel I met on a conference assignment not long ago wrote to me after our visit and said, “I wish my dad knew how much I need him spiritually and emotionally. I crave any kind comment, any warm personal gesture. I don’t think he knows how much it would mean to me to have him take an active interest in what is going on in my life, to offer to give me a blessing, or just spend some time together. I know he worries that he won’t do the right thing or won’t say the words well. But just to have him try would mean more than he could ever know. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I know he loves me. He sent me a note once and signed it ‘Love, Dad.’ I treasure that note. I hold it among my dearest possessions.”

Well, as with that young woman, I don’t want this talk to sound ungrateful, nor is it meant to make fathers feel they have fallen short. Most fathers are wonderful. Most dads are terrific. I don’t know who wrote these little storybook verses remembered from my youth, but they go something like this:

Only a dad with a tired face,
Coming home from the daily race,
Toiling and striving from day to day,
Facing whatever may come his way,
Glad in his heart that his own rejoice
To see him come home and to hear his voice.
Only a dad, but he gives his all,
Smoothing the way for his children small,
Doing with courage so stern and grim
The deeds that his father did for him.
These are the lines that for him I pen,
Only a dad—but the best of men.

And, brethren, even when we are not “the best of men,” even in our limitations and inadequacy, we can keep making our way in the right direction because of the encouraging teachings set forth by a Divine Father and demonstrated by a Divine Son. With a Heavenly Father’s help we can leave more of a parental legacy than we suppose.

One new father wrote: “Often as I watch my son watch me, I am taken back to moments with my own dad, remembering how vividly I wanted to be just like him. I remember having a plastic razor and my own can of foaming cream, and each morning I would shave when he shaved. I remember following his footsteps back and forth across the grass as he mowed the lawn in summer.

“Now I want my son to follow my lead, and yet it terrifies me to know he probably will. Holding this little boy in my arms, I feel a ‘heavenly homesickness,’ a longing to love the way God loves, to comfort the way He comforts, to protect the way He protects. The answer to all the fears of my youth was always ‘What would Dad do?’ Now that I have a child to raise I am counting on a Heavenly Father to tell me exactly that.”
Elder Holland's talk can be found here:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/04/the-hands-of-the-fathers?lang=eng

Another talk that made a profound impression on me was Elder Neal A. Maxwell's address "Repent of [Our] Selfishness (D&C 56:8).

Elder Maxwell makes some associations to selfishness that apply strongly to much of the culture of the world today. I loved his insights and wanted to share a few of them here also:

In one degree or another we all struggle with selfishness. Since it is so common, why worry about selfishness anyway? Because selfishness is really self-destruction in slow motion. No wonder the Prophet Joseph Smith urged, “Let every selfish feeling be not only buried, but annihilated” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith [1976], 178). Hence annihilation—not moderation—is the destination!

Surging selfishness, for example, has shrunken some people into ciphers; they seek to erase their emptiness by sensations. But in the arithmetic of appetite, anything multiplied by zero still totals zero! Each spasm of selfishness narrows one’s universe that much more by reducing his awareness of or concern with others. In spite of its outward, worldly swagger, such indulgent individualism is actually provincial, like goldfish in a bowl congratulating themselves on their self-sufficiency, never mind the food pellets or changes of water.

***
Another quote from Elder Maxwell:

In contrast to the path of selfishness, there is no room for road rage on the straight and narrow way. There will be no spouse or child abuse when there is unselfish love at home. Furthermore, unselfishness is best grown in the family garden, and, likewise, diligently performing seemingly ordinary Church duties can further help us to overcome selfishness. The unselfish are also more free. As G. K. Chesterton said, if we can be interested in others, even if they are not interested in us, we will find ourselves “under a freer sky, [and] in a street full of splendid strangers” (Orthodoxy [1959], 21).

In daily discipleship, the many ways to express selfishness are matched by many ways to avoid it. Meekness is the real cure, for it does not merely mask selfishness but dissolves it! Smaller steps could include asking ourselves inwardly before undertaking an important action, Whose needs am I really trying to meet? Or in significant moments of self-expression, we can first count to 10. Such thoughtful filtering can multiply our offering by 10 as a mesh of reflective meekness filters out destructive and effusive ego.

We can also meekly let our ideas have a life of their own without oversponsoring them. Rather, let the Spirit impel our worthy ideas.

Alas, gross, individual selfishness is finally acculturated. Then societies can eventually become without order, without mercy, without love, perverted, and past feeling (see Moro. 9). Society thereby reflects a grim, cumulative tally which signals a major cultural decline. This happened anciently when a people actually became “weak, because of their transgression” (Hel. 4:26). Speaking behaviorally, when what was once the lesser voice of the people becomes more dominant, then the judgments of God and the consequences of foolish selfishness follow (see Mosiah 29:26–27).

Cultural decline is accelerated when single-interest segments of society become indifferent to general values once widely shared. This drift is facilitated by the indifferent or the indulgent as society is led carefully down to hell (see 2 Ne. 28:21). Some may not join in this drift, but instead they step aside, whereas once they might have constrained, as is their representative right. Of such circumstances Yeats lamented, “The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity” (W. B. Yeats, “The Second Coming”).

Today, in place of some traditionally shared values is a demanding conformity pushed, ironically, by those who eventually will not tolerate those who once tolerated them. While incremental iniquity may not cause a huge decline all at once, the same somber direction is nevertheless continued, subtly and carefully, with no arousing jolts or jars (see 2 Ne. 28:21).

Such are some of the proximate consequences of selfishness, yet some of its consequences are ultimate—impacting us salvationally.

Selfishness is actually the detonator of all the cardinal sins. It is the hammer for the breaking of the Ten Commandments, whether by neglecting parents, the Sabbath, or by inducing false witness, murder, and envy. No wonder the selfish individual is often willing to break a covenant in order to fix an appetite. No wonder those who will later comprise the telestial kingdom, after they have paid a price, were once unrepentant adulterers, whoremongers, and those who both loved and made lies.

Some of the selfish wrongly believe that there is no divine law anyway, so there is no sin (see 2 Ne. 2:13). Situational ethics are thus made to order for the selfish. So in the management of self, one can conquer by his genius and strength, because there really is no crime whatsoever (see Alma 30:17).

Unsurprisingly therefore, selfishness leads to terrible perceptual and behavioral blunders. For instance, Cain, corrupted by his seeking of power, said after slaying Abel, “I am free” (Moses 5:33; see also Moses 6:15).

One of the worst consequences of severe selfishness, therefore, is this profound loss of proportionality, like straining at gnats while swallowing camels (see Matt. 23:24; see also JST in footnote 24a). Today there are, for example, those who strain over various gnats but swallow the practice of partial-birth abortions. Small wonder, therefore, that selfishness magnifies a mess of pottage into a banquet and makes 30 pieces of silver look like a treasure trove.

Developmentally, what transpires is like what happened to an ancient group of children “who did grow up …, that they became for themselves”—hardened and errant (3 Ne. 1:29; see also 3 Ne. 1:30). Devastating cultural change can and does happen “in the space of not many years,” including replacing the much-needed spirit of community with a diversified alliance of dalliance (see Hel. 4:26).

Determined to walk in his own way, the natural man often persists to the point where he is “past feeling,” having been sedated by pleasing the carnal mind (see 1 Ne. 17:45; see also Eph. 4:19). Sadly, like the drug addict, he is always in need of a fresh fix.

The link to his excellent talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/04/repent-of-our-selfishness-d-c-56-8?lang=eng

Well. There you go. Some amazing words from amazing and good men. I have a lot of work to do to line my life up as I should. The Savior, of course, is the best example of how. We can look to Him.

Life and School...My Brain...and the Holidays...

I'm not doing super great at the blogging at this point. I don't know if there are any great excuses, but I do know that it is something I do...or try to do, because it is an outlet for me to discover my feelings. Speaking of feelings...
I've had a lot of those these past few months.
School is well underway. Really, we're on the down side of the year now. It is one of the major highlights of my life. That may sound weird, but I feel so happy when I get to interact with these amazing kids. It's not just that they are smart. They are good. They are our future, and I think we are in great hands. They are loving. Yes, they are kids and they have problems. There is a lot to teach, knowledge and standards, but also how to be as a human. A good human. We try to teach those lessons as well as the lessons they need to pass tests. State tests, other tests, lots of tests. Most importantly though, the test of life. I hope I pass something on that will be of value in that area above all others.
School is full of positive happy, and once in a while stressful feelings. It is overall a great place. I have a wonderful job.
Home. Home is full of good stuff. Jenna and the kids love me. I love them. I have needed a little extra of their love lately. Jenna has been crazy busy with the studio and all her performances. She does so well. Her plate overfloweth, but she manages it with grace.
Church. Church has been healing. I love the power of the Spirit on my tired soul. My calling can add stress when I don't manage it correctly, but overall it is a huge blessing at this time in my life.
This time in my life. In my personal, inside my body, trapped in my head life...it's been rough lately.
Logically. Externally. Everything is really, really good. But in my head. It's not. It's worse than it has been in a long time. It may be the worst in some ways I've ever experienced.
So. How can life be so good, and yet my head be in a dark place?
I think a lot of people know how that works, and it is good to know I am not alone and that there are solutions.
So...why so glum Jeff? I don't exactly know. It started with just a whole lot of stress. Ramped up with a sudden trip to Vienna (A really great deal...for the money, but not my head and my level of preparedness...) that I backed out of. During the Thanksgiving Break it was full on panic attacks for about three or four days. I don't know if anyone out there has had panic attacks...but they are trying. It's like trying to run from some crazy danger (imagine being buried alive...or the like). The cruddy thing is that the "danger" isn't real. Your body is just so sensitized to everything that it is shooting fight or flight adrenaline non-stop.
Even if you are sitting in a chair with your family in your parent's living room. Honestly, it was thoughts of the trip and leaving my kids for almost a week that triggered it. It was too sudden for my slow little self. Thoughts that were constantly swirling around in my head.
I finally took my medicine that I have for this very situation, but I should have started earlier.
I received a blessing from Dad the first night. It comforting and mentioned that the Atonement could heal this. So of course I am "magically" better...right?
Nope.
That's not how it works. I went to the Church's mental health site (Mental Health - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), and I watched some videos of other people's experiences. I was a sobbing wreck as I recognized myself in these. Needless to say, it is pretty humbling to get to the point where I will admit that I need somebody else to guide me through my crazy little brain.
I am also taking some medication to ease the anxiety. Thankfully I don't need much, but it does help right now.
My panic attacks uncovered a few other underlying issues: I get depressed (especially during the dark months of year)...and I don't always deal with that depression in healthy ways.
The main way I deal with it...ignoring it.
It's pretty easy. Just do something else.
I think that ignoring it is actually the right choice sometimes, but if the underlying stress activates a panic attack. It's time to do something. I probably should have done something earlier.

I am now a couple months out from Thanksgiving and I have had time to get some help. Thankfully, I have learned valuable skills and information about myself. I have limits, but I also have strengths. We tend to only want to have strengths. I feel, for the most part, I have a lot of strengths.
But.
I have weaknesses also. They bring me closer to God. They humble me. They teach me. Weakness creates more compassion for my fellow man.
I wouldn't trade my weakness, even though I don't enjoy it. I hope it gets less and doesn't control me. But it is part of me. I need it because it teaches me I need God.
I'm still going to address my weakness though. Because I believe in becoming better. Will I get over it in this life? I don't know. Doesn't matter. I have work to do.