I'm not doing super great at the blogging at this point. I don't know if there are any great excuses, but I do know that it is something I do...or try to do, because it is an outlet for me to discover my feelings. Speaking of feelings...
I've had a lot of those these past few months.
School is well underway. Really, we're on the down side of the year now. It is one of the major highlights of my life. That may sound weird, but I feel so happy when I get to interact with these amazing kids. It's not just that they are smart. They are good. They are our future, and I think we are in great hands. They are loving. Yes, they are kids and they have problems. There is a lot to teach, knowledge and standards, but also how to be as a human. A good human. We try to teach those lessons as well as the lessons they need to pass tests. State tests, other tests, lots of tests. Most importantly though, the test of life. I hope I pass something on that will be of value in that area above all others.
School is full of positive happy, and once in a while stressful feelings. It is overall a great place. I have a wonderful job.
Home. Home is full of good stuff. Jenna and the kids love me. I love them. I have needed a little extra of their love lately. Jenna has been crazy busy with the studio and all her performances. She does so well. Her plate overfloweth, but she manages it with grace.
Church. Church has been healing. I love the power of the Spirit on my tired soul. My calling can add stress when I don't manage it correctly, but overall it is a huge blessing at this time in my life.
This time in my life. In my personal, inside my body, trapped in my head life...it's been rough lately.
Logically. Externally. Everything is really, really good. But in my head. It's not. It's worse than it has been in a long time. It may be the worst in some ways I've ever experienced.
So. How can life be so good, and yet my head be in a dark place?
I think a lot of people know how that works, and it is good to know I am not alone and that there are solutions.
So...why so glum Jeff? I don't exactly know. It started with just a whole lot of stress. Ramped up with a sudden trip to Vienna (A really great deal...for the money, but not my head and my level of preparedness...) that I backed out of. During the Thanksgiving Break it was full on panic attacks for about three or four days. I don't know if anyone out there has had panic attacks...but they are trying. It's like trying to run from some crazy danger (imagine being buried alive...or the like). The cruddy thing is that the "danger" isn't real. Your body is just so sensitized to everything that it is shooting fight or flight adrenaline non-stop.
Even if you are sitting in a chair with your family in your parent's living room. Honestly, it was thoughts of the trip and leaving my kids for almost a week that triggered it. It was too sudden for my slow little self. Thoughts that were constantly swirling around in my head.
I finally took my medicine that I have for this very situation, but I should have started earlier.
I received a blessing from Dad the first night. It comforting and mentioned that the Atonement could heal this. So of course I am "magically" better...right?
Nope.
That's not how it works. I went to the Church's mental health site (Mental Health - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), and I watched some videos of other people's experiences. I was a sobbing wreck as I recognized myself in these. Needless to say, it is pretty humbling to get to the point where I will admit that I need somebody else to guide me through my crazy little brain.
I am also taking some medication to ease the anxiety. Thankfully I don't need much, but it does help right now.
My panic attacks uncovered a few other underlying issues: I get depressed (especially during the dark months of year)...and I don't always deal with that depression in healthy ways.
The main way I deal with it...ignoring it.
It's pretty easy. Just do something else.
I think that ignoring it is actually the right choice sometimes, but if the underlying stress activates a panic attack. It's time to do something. I probably should have done something earlier.
I am now a couple months out from Thanksgiving and I have had time to get some help. Thankfully, I have learned valuable skills and information about myself. I have limits, but I also have strengths. We tend to only want to have strengths. I feel, for the most part, I have a lot of strengths.
But.
I have weaknesses also. They bring me closer to God. They humble me. They teach me. Weakness creates more compassion for my fellow man.
I wouldn't trade my weakness, even though I don't enjoy it. I hope it gets less and doesn't control me. But it is part of me. I need it because it teaches me I need God.
I'm still going to address my weakness though. Because I believe in becoming better. Will I get over it in this life? I don't know. Doesn't matter. I have work to do.
